Introduction
Can you imagine a world where only men exist and
roam the earth? What kind of world would it be? What if women were the only
ones in the world? Would the world have been better that what we have today?
When God created man and woman, He created them for
companionship. He created them to love, cherish and support each other.
He
desires that they live peacefully and joyfully, while relishing each other’s
love.
But in Nigeria today, men and women are far from accomplishing
the wish of God for them, in so far as a man can batter his wife day and night,
turning his home into a boxing ring and his wife into a punch-bag. In March
last year, the Punch Newspaper reported the case of a Nigerian airwoman known
as Solape Oladipupo, (aka Shomzy Shomzy), who was murdered by her lover, Airman
Kalu Bernard.
It was reported that Kalu shot Solape in the neck at close range. Now, for the
airwoman, Kalu was perhaps the man with whom she was prepared to spend the rest
of her life. But contrary to her expectation, her day became night in the hands
of her lover.
Some men think they have the right to abuse a woman
with impunity. This is a bestial (animalistic) and shallow mentality, and such
men need the help of a psychologist.
What
is domestic violence (DV)?
Domestic
violence (a.k.a domestic abuse or family
violence) is the intentional use of physical power (threatened or actual) by one person against another person, or the
usage of improper treatment by one
person against another person in a domestic setting. It is a huge problem in
many African countries, and on the rise in Nigeria, with no sign of reducing.
Between January and September 2017, 852 cases of
domestic violence were reported in Lagos State alone, and all the cases lead to
the untimely and tragic deaths of the victims. Based on a survey done by the Centre
for Law Enforcement Education (CLEEN) Foundation, 1 in every 3 respondents
admitted to being a victim of domestic violence. In addition, the Foundation
observed a nationwide increase in domestic violence from 21% to 30% between
2011- 2013.
What
are the forms of domestic violence?
DV
is carried out in various forms including physical (rape, murder, slapping, and
kicking), verbal, mental and emotional forms. Others are religious,
reproductive, economic, and sexual abuse (which can range from subtle, coercive
forms to marital rape)
Globally, women are frequently the victims of these
forms of DV. They experience extremely severe forms of violence from their partners,
and the rate is higher in developing countries like ours, because of the low
level of gender equality and other factors. Some cultures, particularly in
Nigeria, allow men to beat their women as a tool for chastisement. The people
who practice these cultures believe that if husbands don’t beat their wives,
then the love has not been tested. I find this practice quite strange and
barbaric. What kind of culture will permit one partner to inhumanly treat
another partner just to validate love?
Although women are often the victims of domestic
violence, men sometimes go through some forms of domestic violence such as the
physical, emotional and sexual forms. In truth, some women beat their husbands,
while many use emotional and sexual forms as self-defence. And still some use
food to punish their husbands by deciding not to cook. Nonetheless, it’s a
proven fact that women suffer more from all the forms of DV.
What
are the factors that encourage domestic violence in Nigeria?
In Nigeria, domestic violence has several factors
which include:
1. Our
patriarchal society, which makes us
believe that the man must be the “head,” and whatever he says is final; no one
dares question him. Why? Why should the man’s statement be final? Is the woman
not a human being? Doesn’t she have a say in the marriage, relationship or
whatever has brought her and the man together?
2. Relationship inequality:
When a woman earns more than her husband, the man starts feeling insecure and
timid. For this reason, he tries to prove to the woman that he is still “the
man in charge” through any form of domestic violence he can use.
3. Culture: In the Yoruba culture, for example, the woman
addresses the man as “olowo ori mi” “meaning the one who paid my bride price.”
In effect, marriage makes the woman to give up her right to herself, and makes
the man feel he owns her and everything about her.
4. Infertility:
When a couple is expecting a child, all the blame is put on the woman.
Everything she does irritates the man, who is more than ready to pounce on her
at the slightest provocation.
5. Substance abuse:
When a man is drunk or on a “codeine diet,” such a man will most likely abuse
his wife, especially when he gets home and dinner is not yet ready.
6. Intergenerational
violence: Research has shown that
if a child always sees his dad beat his mum, he will do likewise when he gets
married.
Other factors associated with DV
include difference in couple’s age, unemployment, brain dysfunction and socioeconomic
class, just to mention a few
What
are some of the effects of DV?
Domestic
violence has effects on the victims as well as on their children. The effects
on children include developmental and psychological damage, as well as emotional,
social, behavioural and cognitive issues. In fact, new research has shown that
there are strong connections between all forms of domestic violence and higher
rates of many chronic conditions in adulthood, high risk health behaviors and
shortened life span. On the women that put up with domestic violence, the
effects include bruises, fractures, bone dislocations and internal bleeding.
Others are stress, fear, anxiety, high chances of contracting HIV and death.
How
will you know an abuser?
This is how you can
identify a prospective love who will abuse you when you get married to them.
Although, they try to mask some of these traits when dating, but the traits
eventually express themselves in marriage (just like pregnancy), at a time when
you might think it’s much harder to say goodbye. So in order to avoid asking
yourself questions like, “Why did I get married to this man?” Or “”Why did I
get married to this woman,” and remain stuck to sorrow, watch out for these
traits:
·
Aggression
·
Frequent yelling
·
Always using violent words like “I will
beat you.”
·
Unprovoked anger
·
Jealousy
·
Violent behavior
·
Always blaming the other person
·
Constantly expecting special treatment.
·
Always feeling they are not receiving enough
affection. etc.
What
should you do if you are a victim?
DV is one of the
underreported criminal acts in the world for several reasons. So if you are a
victim of DV, or if you have a friend, neighbor, sister or brother who is a
victim, don’t be quiet about it. You must learn to report such wrong acts. You
can report to your family, to the family of the abuser or to the police. In
extreme cases, I will advise you to QUIT the marriage, because it is not worth your
life. Your life is the most precious gift you have. So if you don’t quit while you can, it will
be on the line, and you might lose it to one dead marriage!
In conclusion, all
forms of domestic violence are criminal acts. Hence, they should be condemned
outright. And when they are noticed, the abuser should be arrested immediately.
(This step may even help tame the person). And also, women are not sex-dolls or
punch bags. Therefore, men should truly love them, just as Christ loves His
Church. Let's join our hands together and stop DV, so that the world can be a better place for us all.
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